Maxim, March 2008

Trash Talking Politicians
Republican
-Don Young, Rep AK: Environmentalists are a socialist group of individuals that are the tool of the Democrat Party. I'm proud to say that they are my enemy. They are not American, never have been American, never will be American.
-John Boehner, Rep OH: I listen to my Democratic friends, and I wonder if they are more interested in protecting the terrorists than protecting the American people.
-Rudy Giuliani, former NYC mayor: Our military is too small right now to deal with the Islamic terrorism threats, but it really is too small to deter would-be aggressors to even think of challenging us. And that's due to Bill Clinton.
Democrat
-Hillary Clinton, Sen NY: When you look at the way the House of Representatives has been run, it has been run like a plantation... I predict to you that this administration will go down in history as one of the worst that has ever governed our country.
-Maxine Waters, Rep CA: We're at a time when very smart people have been allowing this dumb-ass president of the United States to do as he pleases... I'm not backing off. I said it, and I mean it!
-Tom Harkin, Sen IA: When I hear criticism of John Kerry's heroics coming from Dick Cheney, who was a coward, who would not serve during the Vietnam War, it makes my blood boil.

A different talent agency: Ugly NY

The Danger of Traveling

Southeast Asia: Arrest
-Singapore and Sri Lanka: narcotics crimes are punishable by death
-Vietnam: foreigners aren't allowed to bring nationals of the opposite sex to their hotel rooms
-tip: everything is negotiable, even the law; officials may expect bribes and other "gifts"; beyond cash, it helps to have chocolate or cigarettes

Latin America: Kidnapping
-particularly popular in Colombia, but also in Mexico and Brazil
-tip: "express kidnappings" are most popular, where victims are snatched off the street, taken to an ATM, forced to withdraw the maximum, held until ATM resets, and forced to make a second withdrawal; recommended to travel to packs and traveling insured, but if cornered, don't be a hero; only time people get hurt is when they resist; if you comply, you'll probably be released with just a few scratches

Eastern Europe: Fraud
-all over the former Soviet Bloc, particularly Russia
-tip: leave the plastic at the hotel and carry cash in small denominations; don't trust a uniform (people will often pose as police in complex "good samaritan" schemes); don't pick up a dropped money clip; you'll be "arrested" and have everything confiscated

Africa: Disease
-monkeypox in Central and West Africa
-guinea worm in Sudan, Ghana, and Nigeria
-chikungunya fever throughout
-tip: week before leaving, go to a travel clinic or your doctor and begin a series of antimalarial medication; keep Cipro and Imodium on hand, as well as a stash of granola bars to eat instead of fruit (which spreads cholera)

The Middle East: Evildoers
-300 Americans have died abroad in terrorist incidents
-Bahrain, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, and Israel are hotbeds of violence
-tip: register with the local US consulate, they'll keep you updated on latest security intelligence; avoid public transportation; after initial attack, run; secondary attacks are common

Quaff on the Cheap: top-notch wines for cheap

Marques de Caceres Crianza Rioja 2004: $12
-red wine good for any Spanish-influenced dish, especially hearty tapas like enchiladas, empanadas, and chorizo

Bogle Vineyards Old Vine Zinfandel 2005: $11
-good for subtly saccharine foods like BBQ ribs and wings

Penfolds Koonunga Hill Shiraz Cabernet 2005: $9
-good for pepper steaks, smoked meats, aged meats, and chili

Casa Lapostolle Rapel Valley Merlot 2005: $13
-good with filet mignon and similar fancy beef cuts; also good for portobello burgers and soft cheeses

Alamos Mendoza Malbec 2006: $11
-good with marinated meats, steak fajitas, chimichangas, and any dish with a little south-of-the-border sass to it

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